Miracles

"A hundred million miracles are happening every day!"
--Flower Drum Song by Rodgers and Hammerstein.


What started out as an ordinary week became miraculous.

On Tuesday I started taking diet pills I bought online, a miracle drug touted in a spam message. It's amazing--in less than a week I have already lost 20 pounds. Plus, the package says it also eliminates cellulite, wrinkles, and flab. Before long I should have the figure I had at 20!

On Wednesday I received another miracle drug I'd ordered online (same source, a spam message) -- this one promised to make me pain-free. After a only few days, I've gone from hobbling around with a cane due to my month-old bum knee and preexisting arthritis, to skipping and jogging everywhere. I gave my cane to my dogs to use as a chew-toy and plan to run in the Crescent City Classic 10K race next weekend.

Normally I never forward chain-letter e-mails, but on Thursday I forwarded one sent me by some guy in Nigeria. It promised me "miraculous events" would occur in my life as long as I didn't break the chain. Two days later I learned that a shiftless relative who's been gouging me for support for years was suddenly awarded a prize job making an unbelievable salary, based solely on the fact that she's pretty and an expert at manipulating people to get her way.

Then on Saturday I won millions in the lottery. I'm rich, I'm rich, and all my troubles are over! I can pay off all my debts, move to a big fancy home in a choice location, buy a vintage Jag XKE, and live a life of leisure.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that yet another miracle drug I bought over the Internet is curing my elderly mom of her age-related tremors, mild dementia, and wrinkles? She looks and acts 3o years younger--younger than me, in fact.

Oh, and for the best part, scroll down:


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APRIL FOOL!